I just want to play music

There are times when I feel like Calculus homework helps me practice violin better.

There are also times when I feel like I was meant to play in orchestras for the rest of my life. As a violinist my parents kind of expected that should I excel, it'd be in the solo performing route. And I like playing concertos and sonatas but I usually prefer a LOT of sound, so I turn to large orchestras.
That's my home field, a large orchestra. So, it really bugs me that now that I am an adult, I'm expected to be as competent as a music major to be able to participate in symphony orchestras. I'm slower than most and I try every day, but as time passes from this point, I will soon be incredibly below the standard expectation to join any professional music group. This is my self-loathing part of me speaking, of course, and it's because I have just watched this:

The school looks as hard to get into as Juilliard except it humbles itself so it doesn't have the pressure of the name "Juilliard" slapped on it.

The professors there are a plus, too, take it as you will:

Dimitri Murrath

In all seriousness, though, I really miss the experience of just playing symphonies and orchestral suites. My school orchestra played Brahms Symphony no. 3 two years ago, and I didn't appreciate it then as much as I do today.

And at districts last year I got the chance to play Bartok's Dances of Transylvania and Grieg's Holberg Suite among other beautiful pieces.

I. Prelude and II. Sarabande

III. Gavotte and IV. Air

V. Rigaudon 

I missed regional auditions this year, but I will NOT miss districts! I just want to play beautiful music with equally dedicated people. :(
I guess that is my dream - "A dream that DOESN'T MAKE MONEY."

Brb crying on the inside.